The all-time funniest jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival

UPDATE! The 2016 winner is Masai Graham! Read on for his winning joke…

Since 2008, television channel Dave has been hiding out the “Joke of the Fringe” award to the one-liner that it deems to be the funniest joke on show at that year’s Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

Now, we’re not suggesting that any of the past winners were instantly forgettable. Not at all. But it did seem like a good idea to have all the winners (and the best of the rest) in one place so that you can jog your memory if you’re trying to remember those who have triumphed.

So here we go – these are the winners, in reverse chronological order…

Winner: Masai Graham

“My dad suggested I register for a donor card, he’s a man after my own heart.”

Rest of the 2016 top 15:

  • “Why is it old people say “there’s no place like home”, yet when you put them in one…” – Stuart Mitchell
  • “I’ve been happily married for four years – out of a total of 10” – Mark Watson
  • “Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit” – Mark Smith
  • “I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn’t much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second” – Will Duggan
  • “Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated” – Tiff Stevenson
  • “I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words” – Gary Delaney
  • “Why is Henry’s wife covered in tooth marks? Because he’s Tudor” – Adele Cliff
  • “Don’t you hate it when people assume you’re rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?” – Annie McGrath
  • “Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask” – Jordan Brookes”
  • Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first” – Michelle Wolf
  • “I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound” – Roger Swift
  • “Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer” – Arthur Smith
  • “I’ll tell you what’s unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses” – Zoe Lyons
  • “Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word” – Phil Nicol

Winer: Darren Walsh

“I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free.”

Rest of the 2015 top 10:

  • “Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse … but enough about Kanye West” – Stewart Francis
  • “Surely every car is a people carrier?” – Adam Hess
  • “What’s the difference between a ‘hippo’ and a ‘Zippo’? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter” – Masai Graham
  • “If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn’t go” – Dave Green
  • “Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas” – Mark Nelson
  • “Red sky at night. Shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night? Day” – Tom Parry
  • “The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves” – Alun Cochrane
  • “Clowns divorce. Custardy battle” – Simon Munnery
  • “They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for” – Grace The Child

Winner: Tim Vine

“I decided to sell my Hoover… well it was just collecting dust.”

Rest of the 2014 top 10:

  • “I’ve written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn’t fit it into my set” – Masai Graham
  • “Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief” – Mark Watson
  • “I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn’t work. You could only fill it in with number ones and number twos” – Bec Hill
  • “I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn’t let me” – Ria Lina
  • “Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal” – Paul F Taylor
  • “Scotland had oil, but it’s running out thanks to all that deep frying” – Scott Capurro
  • “I forgot my inflatable Michael Gove, which is a shame. Halfway through he disappears up his own arsehole” – Kevin Day
  • “I’ve been married for 10 years, I haven’t made a decision for seven” – Jason Cook
  • “This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it” – Felicity Ward

Winner: Rob Auton

“I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.”

Rest of the 2013 top 10:

  • “I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying” – Alex Horne
  • “I’m in a same-sex marriage… the sex is always the same” – Alfie Moore
  • “My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him ‘Don’t be Sicily'” – Tim Vine
  • “I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell” – Gary Delaney
  • “The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men” – Phil Wang
  • “You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost” – Marcus Brigstocke
  • “The universe implodes. No matter” – Liam Williams
  • “I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lap dance” – Bobby Mair
  • “The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately” – Chris Coltrane

Winner: Stewart Francis

“You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.”

Rest of the 2012 top 10:

  • “Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly” – Tim Vine
  • “I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister” – Will Marsh
  • “You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case” – Rob Beckett
  • “I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet … I don’t know why” – Chris Turner
  • “I took part in the sun tanning Olympics – I just got Bronze” – Tim Vine
  • “Pornography is often frowned upon, but that’s only because I’m concentrating” – George Ryegold
  • “I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” – Stewart Francis
  • “I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: ‘It’s not rocket salad” – Lou Sanders
  • “My mum’s so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism … she wouldn’t fancy her chances” – Nish Kumar

Winner: Nick Helm

“I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”

Rest of the 2011 top 10:

  • “Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels” – Tim Vine
  • “People say ‘I’m taking it one day at a time.’ You know what? So is everybody. That’s how time works” – Hannibal Buress
  • “Drive Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought … once you’ve hired the car …” – Tim Key
  • “I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess” – Matt Kirshen
  • “My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards” – Sarah Millican
  • “I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure” – Alan Sharp
  • “Someone asked me recently – what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I’m not falling for that one again, wife” – Mark Watson
  • “I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can’t even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails” – Andrew Lawrence
  • “My friend died doing what he loved … Heroin” – DeAnne Smith

Winner: Tim Vine

“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”

Rest of the 2010 top 10:

  • “I’m currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone” – David Gibson
  • “I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them” – Emo Philips
  • “I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say ‘bought’, I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid” – Jack Whitehall
  • “As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog” – Gary Delaney
  • “Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day” – John Bishop
  • “What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names” – Bo Burnham
  • “Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it’s what he would have wanted” – Gary Delaney
  • “For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty” – Robert White
  • “Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can’t be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…” – Gareth Richards

Winner:Dan Antopolski

“Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?”

Rest of the 2009 top 10:

  • “I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting'” – Paddy Lennox
  • “I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they’re up where they belong” – Sarah Millican
  • “I went on a girl’s night out recently. The invitation said ‘dress to kill.’ I went as Rose West” –  Zoe Lyons
  • “I’m sure wherever my dad is; he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending” – Jack Whitehall
  • “Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you’re going to get it, but it’s going to be rough” – Adam Hills
  • “To the people who’ve got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn’t invent it!” – Marcus Brigstocke
  • “A spa hotel? It’s like a normal hotel, only in reception there’s a picture of a pebble” – Rhod Gilbert
  • “I’ve been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I’ve seen it six times and there isn’t” – Dan Antopolski
  • “I started so many fights at my school – I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn’t finish a lot of them” – Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson)

Winner: Zoe Lyons

“I can’t believe Amy Winehouse self-harms. She’s so irritating she must be able to find someone to do it for her.”

Rest of the 2008 top 10:

  • “Most of us have a skeleton in the cupboard. David Beckham takes his out in public” – Andrew Laurence
  • “My girlfriend said, ‘Did you know that hippopotamuses kill more people every year than guns?’. ‘Yes,’ I said, ‘but a gun is easier to conceal” – Lloyd Langford
  • “When I was a kid, I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, ‘Oh, two or three’. And she wonders why her marriage didn’t work” – Josie Long
  • “Velcro. What a rip-off” – Tim Vine
  • “The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe – wouldn’t it be easier just to talk to a woman?” – Stephen Grant
  • “So far bird flu has only killed 47 people. By the time it ends, it’s going to have killed 37 million. It’s got to get going, hasn’t it, if it’s going to be the pandemic we’ve all been hoping for” – Edward Aczel
  • “Grandchildren can be f****** annoying. How many times can you go, ‘And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink’? It’s like talking to a supermodel” – Joan Rivers
  • “I like Jesus but he loves me, so it’s awkward” – Tom Stade
  • “People were outraged because of Barack Obama’s spiritual adviser. I think it’s great he had one. Who was George Bush’s spiritual adviser? Jim Beam? Johnnie Walker? Jack Daniels?” – Jeff Kreisler

Photo by *Debs*


About Chris ShowSpot

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At ShowSpot we cover Comedy Shows, Videos, Reviews & have plans for much more so watch this space! Chris is our lead writer, bringing you the funny info since... well since he started bringing you the funny info.

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